Trich-ed out! Living with a worthless illness.

16 years ago, I started pulling out my hair.  I could tell you where I was, I could tell you where I was sitting, I could even tell you what I was watching on the television.

It started mundane-ly enough...relaxing on the sofa, watching a show, twirling a hair.  Then pop! Out it came, along with a follicle.  I was fascinated.  I tried to find another one.  I was hooked.

At 13, I couldn't explain it.  It didn't feel good, it didn't look attractive, and it certainly wasn't constructive.  After a day, I had a small bald spot at my bang line.  I can hide that, surely.  No one will notice, people have thin spots along their bang line all the time.  And that's what I told myself.  Until I discovered that I couldn't stop. 

At first, it was easy to cover up.  Make a spot, brush over my hair, make a new spot.  Before I knew it, I had perfectly round, smooth patches without hair all over my head.  And it got harder to cover up. It became an obsession. A habit I couldn't break. Much more dramatic than nail biting.

When people started noticing, I made things up.  "I have ring worm. I have alopecia (I researched that one) I can't explain it, it just started falling out."  Anything to take the blame off of me.  I even started to believe some it.  If I blame something else, I don't need to take responsibility.  Ultimately, that led to the absence of nearly all the hair on the top of my head.

School was hell.  Being the only kid allowed to wear hats and bandanas led to relentless bullying. My grades were shot, I stopped going, and I became a social recluse.  I can remember my bandana being ripped from my head in the middle of a crowded lunch room, only to have it thrown away from me and lost on the floor.  I also had "Freak" scribbled on my locker, and girls in the gym asking me what kind of Cancer I had.  Suck is not the word.

But enough of the pity party, because let's face it, things happen in school that make you tougher.  It still hurt, but I'm not the only one in the world with issues, and there is always someone out there getting it worse than you are. 

Skip ahead a few years.  I've graduated, I have a sick circle of friends, and I've been seeing a therapist.  Let me tell you how long THAT took to get into.  My family had been telling me to go for a few years, but I decided that therapy was for losers because I didn't need therapy.  And when my sister began to see one for her panic, I figured it was my time also.

Breaking the habit of pulling out your hair is hard work.  You have to pay attention to your surroundings and what you're doing AT. ALL. TIMES.  And to be honest, I didn't think I would ever be able to do it.

I'm happy to say, that as of now it's been 6 months since I last pulled a hair, and today, for the first time in 16 years, I got a haircut and rid myself of bandanas. 

I hate wigs, I hate bandanas, and I am SO proud of myself for the progress I've made.  If you know anyone that might be living with Trich who might not have anyone to talk to, send them my way.  It's imperative to network with others to be successful, and I just want to pass along positive connections for people with no where to turn.  It helped me.